Dear Olivia Jane

Aunt Jane wrote us letters before she died. She wrote to me, my sister, Olivia, Carter, Camden, Eli and Isaac. I'm going to share Olivia's because it is just so perfect.

October 17, 2013

My Dearest Olivia,

Already you have shown us what a fighter you are, what a dear tenacious little girl you are and I hope those traits are recognized as strengths. Please do not lose those characteristics and skills as you grow into a beautiful young woman. I like to think of myself as a fighter and tenacious as well. You are such a pretty little girl and that will open many doors for you, just remember as you are opening those doors to bring kindness and character with you in all that you do. I don't want  you growing up shallow or egomaniac or having to be a people pleaser. I want you to be an Olivia Jane person who sets her own goals and chooses her own path, not just seeking to be popular or to please those around you. 

I have one piece of jewelry that I am leaving you in care of your Aunt Audra and I hope this makes your 18th birthday special.

Walk to your own beat, taking in the fact hat you don't want to be a stepping stone on other people's toes. Figure out how to get where you are going without hurting others or making them feel unimportant. Be sure that who you meet on the way up that you are kind to them. None of us need to stay on top of others but to hold their hands and travel the rest of the distance together. 

I love your mother dearly and she's a terrific role model for you and your brothers. Listen to her, she will always have your best interests at heart. Learn many skills at each stage in your life. Learn to knit, crochet, to roller skate, to swim, to ride a bite, to cook and to sew, to pitch a tent, to love sleeping outdoors, to take good care of your pets, to keep your room clean and well organized, to love books, to write stories, to play the guitar and to fix things. In all that you do, be a hard worker.. you'll never regret it. 

It meant a lot to me that your mom named you Olivia Jane and that we share the same name. I will always be with you.

Don't wait for others to solve your problems, but give yourself a helping hand and learn to solve your problems yourself and know when to ask for help. Learning the timing of when to ask for help is a big strength, having to always do it yourself or alone does not always lead to success. I want you to be successful in all that you do. Most importantly I want you to be content with where you are and who you are. When I see your face in the pictures your mom sends me, I am at peace with the world. I love you dearly, more than you will ever know and I'll be watching over you.

Love,
Aunt Jane

My 'favorites'

This is the post that I’ve been dreading to write. My sweet Aunt Jane passed away Thursday, November 21^st at 8:00 am in her sleep after battling cancer. In less than four years I've lost 3 people off my 'favorite' list on my phone. That just sucks. My grandmother, Bubba. My Daddy. Now my Aunt Jane. It will be 3 years in January since she was first diagnosed with cancer. We found her cancer a week after burying my dad. 

Thankfully, my sister, my mom and I went to see her Friday through Sunday before she died and had such a good visit. Auntie had been asleep all day Friday but woke up an hour before we arrived. My Uncle Richard didn’t tell her we were coming and so when we walked in her eyes got so big and she smiled and said, “I had a dream about the three of you this morning.” We gave her hugs, kissed her cheeks, petted her hands, rubbed her head and told her numerous times we loved her. Saturday she was awake all day and we sat at her bedside. She finally fell asleep around 7:00 pm and we left to go eat dinner and go back to our hotel. While we were in a store Uncle Richard called and said she was asking for us to come back. So of course we did! We tucked her in and told her we would be back tomorrow. Sunday, she slept until we finally had to wake up her at 1:30 that afternoon so we could tell her bye. That was such a hard goodbye because I knew it was the last time I would see her. I had to walk out of the room several times because I didn’t want her to see me lose it. Aunt Jane has been so special to us and it hurts so bad to lose her. She’s loved us with a passion and my sister and I echoed the love.

Audra and I both wrote her good-bye letters and her friends said she asked them to read the letters multiple times to her during the last few weeks.  Here is mine:

Dear Auntie,

Let me start off with… I LOVE YOU! I know we’ve always joked about you being our favorite aunt but you are. Even if we had 10 other aunts to choose from…it would be you! You have spoiled Audra and I rotten since we were born.

There are so many things I could tell you but I wanted to start off with ‘thank you’. Thank you for the unconditional love you have shown Audra and I over the years. I’ve always known that you are on my side and I could count on you to be honest and truthful. That’s been that voice I needed to hear many times in my 32 years. It breaks my heart to lose you. 

We’ve had such wonderful memories and those are the things I am going to try to cling to in the upcoming months. Remember when you took us to Dalvay by the Sea so I could see my childhood dream.  I loved that trip with you, Daddy and Bubba as we saw the red clay cliffs and visited where Anne of Green Gables  ‘lived’.   The cruises we’ve taken to Bermuda, Alaska, Hawaii, and the Bahamas were so much fun. Heck, any trip with you was always fun. Thank you for introducing me to Europe on our trips to Ireland , Paris, Brussels and Amsterdam. I will be sure to tell the kids the story of Audra and I fighting in the exquisite chocolate store. I smile when thinking about you taking us to the Moulin Rouge… our mama would have had a fit!  Wasn’t it beautiful to see Monet’s garden? I loved Ireland and driving through the countryside, staying in the bed and breakfasts, and helping Uncle navigate while you and Audra sat in the back. I think about our many Christmas’ together and opening presents on Christmas morning with everyone gathered around.  I still have a mental picture of Lilly with the red bow around her neck when you brought Audra and I our first dogs. To this very day I love Golden Retrievers because of you. I wasn’t homesick a bit when I flew with you and Uncle to Georgia when I was seven because I knew you loved me.  You have spent so much time pouring love into Audra and I and that time is priceless to me. You’ve always tried to teach us a bit of history, culture and open our eyes to the beauty of this world.  You are such a strong, smart woman and I’m so proud to be your niece.

I see that you are smart and savvy like your Daddy, and strong like your Mama. You’ve battled this cancer for almost 3 years and even though you’ve had your down days you’ve been a warrior and people have remarked on strong you are. Just like Bubba who kept her cancer a secret for 5 years; you’ve trudged without complaining and fought back. Though you may not see it, I see that you are a caretaker and gentle and kind like your brother. You came to his side when he needed you the most and took care of him until the end. I thank you so much for taking such good care of my Daddy…he was comforted the most knowing that you were there. I’m glad it was your voice that called me and told me he passed and your arms that wrapped around me sobbing. You will be together again.

Though the last 3 years have been tough I’m so glad you fought. We’ve had great times at Pawley’s Island and I’m ever thankful for the time you spent taking Isaac on the Wind Jammer. Thank you for supporting me with Olivia’s hearing loss and coming with me on my conference to keep her. We had such fun on that trip and I love that picture of you two looking and each other cooing. I will never ever regret naming her Olivia Jane… because she is named after a remarkable woman. 

I’m thankful for the last 3 days I spent with you. Sitting by your bed, rubbing your hand and crying. I know you wanted me to sit in your lap but I got as close as I could without wanting to hurt you. I’ve sat on your lap now for 32 years and loved every minute. I’m crying now because I’m going to miss you so incredibly much and honestly can’t imagine our lives with you gone. Don’t worry about Uncle; we will make his Snickerdoodle cookies at Christmas. He is our family too! He’s sure going to miss you  and has taken such good care of you.  You are loved. You have so many outstanding friends that have come to your aide. Most people only dream about being loved as much as you are. 

Take peace in your salvation by the grace of God and rest. I don’t want you to be in pain and suffer. You’ve had a marvelous life and have touched many lives for good. Mine is one of those. I don’t want to say good-bye, my heart hurts, but I will see you again. These are the verses I will cling to. Go with God.

“For thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for thy name’s sake lead me, and guide me.” Pslam 31:1

“And I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. “ John 14:3

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

I love you Auntie Jane!

Your niece,

Summer

Aunt Jane last year at Pawley's Island

All the Janes! Olivia Jane, Audra Jane, and Hettie Jane

Aunt Jane and Olivia Jane at our hearing conference last November

Uncle Richard and Aunt Jane-- these pictures were taken in Spruce Pine about 2 weeks before my Dad died

Aunt Jane and Me (I was pregnant with Eli) at my baby shower

Aunt Jane, Audra and I in Ireland during 2005

Ireland

Aunt Jane and her friend Jeanene in Antarctica. 

Aunt Jane standing beside whale bones in Antarctica. She truly traveled the world and gave me a love for travel as well. 

Visiting Auntie

Last week I went to stay with my Aunt Jane in the hospital for a few days. Thankfully she's had someone with her almost every hour of her 13 day hospital stay (she went to rehab yesterday!). I drove the six hours to Georgia on Tuesday morning and arrived at the hospital around 5 that evening. She was glad to see me and I was equally glad to see her. She looked so good that she agreed for me to snap these two pictures! Coming from death a week ago I would say that's quite a recovery. She was in a lot of pain that night and I didn't get any sleep, but that was ok!

The next morning I went to grab some coffee and breakfast in the cafeteria and I had to wait in the ICU waiting room until shift change was over. I walked back into the unit with my coffee and phone and accidentally left my clutch sitting on the table beside me. I think I was so sleep deprived I was just out of it. When I realized it was missing and went back it was gone of course.

I was so distraught because I was six hours from home with no drivers license, no money, and I had a LOT of valuable information in my clutch. My social security card as well as Eli and Olivia's were all in there, along with multiple credit cards, 3 check books, gift cards, and cash. I started canceling accounts and Josh wired me money through a Western Union in order to have enough to eat, get gas and get home on Thursday.

Even though I knew not to carry my social security card I had it in there because several weeks ago I applied for a new job and thought I might need it. This opened my eyes to make sure that I know exactly what's in my wallet and not to carry anything I can't live without. Even now it makes me a bit nauseous to think about what all was in my wallet but if I put it in perspective; it's all replaceable. After a brief meltdown, I sucked it up and enjoyed the rest of my time with Aunt Jane.

I held her hand, rubbed her feet, moved her bed around, fed her, and washed off her face after she got sick. I know if my dad and grandmother were here they would be doing the same thing. When she felt like talking she told me stories of my childhood. One of her favorites was when she brought Uncle Richard home for the first time, I was around 3 and she said, "Summer, this is my baby," I said, "That's a big ole baby!" Her and Uncle have laughed about that story for many years.

Memories with your loved ones are things you keep forever and these are the irreplaceable!

My Aunt Jane is sick again

We've known since right after my birthday in April that the dreaded 'c' word is back again for the third time in less than 3 years.

We've had such hope.

Aunt Jane (my dad's only sister) was diagnosed with a rare uterine cancer two weeks after my dad died from lung cancer. She had surgery, chemo and did wonderful. She was cancer free and we rejoiced!

It came back... in her lung. She had a lobe of her lung removed and did great. Her doctors did not recommend chemo because it was ineffective the first time so we waited and had great hope it would stay dormant for years.

This time the cancer is back and the doctors say she will never be cancer free. It's in her stomach, adrenal glands, liver, and lung now. She's tried another type of chemo agent and it was unsuccessful. Right now she's in the hospital because the tumor perforated her small intestine. They've done surgery so now we just wait. She's six hours away so I feel pretty helpless. I want to be with her.

When most people hear that my aunt is sick they think, oh that's sad but it's not like a parent or grandparent. Oh, it was painfully hard when my grandmother whom I loved so much passed away October 2009, and it was heart-wrenching hard when my Daddy passed away January 2011, but Aunt Jane is not just 'any' aunt.

Since my sister and I were born she's been 'twitter-pated' (her words.. remember Bambi?) with Audra and I. She's been at pretty much ever major life event and more. When we were 3 and 4 years old she flew home with Uncle Richard for Christmas with two Golden Retriever puppies with big red bows on their necks. She's taken us on countless vacations and spent hours upon hours with us. When I was seven, I flew with her and my Uncle to Georgia to spend a week and I wasn't homesick a bit. When I was a little girl and  in love with Anne of Green Gables she bought and booked our hotel at Dalvay by the Sea.. the hotel that appeared as the "White Sands Hotel" in the movie. She took us to New York and introduced us to the theater. In highschool she took Audra and I to Paris and Amsterdam when the tulips were in bloom. When I was 16 and angry at my mom for grounding me, I took off in my car to drive 6 hours to Georgia to my Aunt (how in the world I got there before the age of GPS and cell phones I don't know!).  In 2005 when I finished grad school and Audra finished undergrad she took us Ireland and we stayed in bed and breakfasts, sipped a Guinness, and kissed the Blarney stone. So many wonderful trips and more I could name. When my dad got sick, she packed up and came and stayed with him until the end. Aunt Jane was there the night he died in his sleep and it was her on the phone that morning in my classroom at school telling me my daddy was dead. Honestly I don't the words to express how much she means to me.

So it looks bleak right now but I'm not giving up hope. She is a fighter and she is a strong woman. We are hoping she can recover from this surgery and can go to MD Anderson in Houston for another opinion on a chemo drug that can shrink these tumors or put them in remission. So if you think about it, please say a prayer for my Aunt Jane. She's a phenomenal woman.

Road trip with the Sis

Audra and I journeyed to Georgia this weekend... without kids. Gasp! Two weekends in a row without my littles!

She has been my partner in crime for the past 30 years and though we've had our sisterly squabbles through the years; we've always been close.  I have several wonderful close girl friends, there is something special about a sister bond. We usually talk to each other at least 3 times a day, we like the same things, and have weird sister telepathy...both of us seem to call my mom at the exact time.

Audra is the one with whom I do my best shopping, can sing silly songs from high school with, belt out musicals at the top of our lungs, and talk about the good, bad, and ugly with. It's nice to have someone who doesn't have to sugar coat telling you that your breath stinks or that your leg hairs are way too long.

Though we had a great time with our sisterly bonding this weekend, the reason for our journey isn't so felicitous.

Our dear Aunt Jane's ( our dad's only sister) cancer has returned for the 3rd time. She has a mass in her abdomen and on her adrenal gland. Even though surgery and radiation are not options this time she is trying a new alternative chemo drug. Since she isn't up to traveling and doesn't need to be around our germ factory pro-creations at this time, we made the trip to her.

We had a great weekend- we had an exquisite dinner at Natalia's in Macon, went to a peach orchard, had afternoon tea, scones, and sandwiches at a local British tea room, went grocery shopping for Auntie and managed to plant her some Daylilies.

Josh held down the fort this weekend with the kids and did great. Surprisingly the house wasn't trashed. He said "It was a piece of cake" but for some reason I don't believe him.

Aunt Jane on Saturday morning

Her outdoor gardens

Aunt Jane

Pretty Japanese lantern

Strawberry jam scone at the British Tea room

Afternoon tea!

                                  

                                           Audra and Aunt Jane before dinner at Natalia's

Lane peach orchard

Watching the peeeaches

Hearing conference

A few weeks ago I attended NC AG Bell's Hear 'n' Now conference at the Caraway Conference Center near Asheboro. I needed 4 more CEU's before December 31st for my ASHA (Speech Pathologist Certification) licensure so I was thrilled to be able to go to a conference where I could earn CEU's and get great information to help me with Olivia as well. I met lots of wonderful people: Educators, professionals, parents, and even two SLP's that have children with hearing loss. 

Aunt Jane came with me to keep Olivia. I brought Livi along because I knew Josh would have his hands full with the boys and plus she is nursing. Aunt Jane did a great job minus the fact she is not used to being around babies (she said the last diaper she had changed was mine and Audra's 30 something years ago!) She did text me once with "COME!" and so I raced lighting speed up the stairs to our room thinking something was wrong. Everything was fine. Aunt Jane really enjoyed spending time with Olivia Jane and meeting people at the conference. I think she learned quite a bit too.

I've been to lots of conferences over the 7 years I've been a SLP but when you have a personal interest, especially related to your child, it makes what you are learning about hit the mark even more. 

Notice the words, Parent and SLP

No TV's.. so Aunt Jane put in several hours on the Kindle

I love this one with Olivia's little rosy cheeks smiling up at Aunt Jane!

Pawley's island

Nana and Olivia

Aunt Jane

Isaac with Josh and Eli in the distance

View from the beach

Daddy and his girl

Isaac, Olivia and I

This smile melts my heart

I tried to take a self portrait of Olivia and I .... not so much!

A little better except she's sticking out her tongue and saying "I'm done Mom."

Nana, Josh and Eli

Eli says, "Let me bite you Daddy"

Brothers

So relaxing.. we even found live starfish

Isaac and his sis

Hey everyone!

The babes... Olivia was not happy

Josh, Liv and I

Sweet 12 year old!

Rainy watercolor

Aunt Jane has been taking a watercolor class and brought her supplies to our beach trip for just as day as today. It's raining and we're lazy! We gathered around the dining room table, listened to music and painted. Even Carter had a go. He's a modern artist. Audra's painting was great.. she has always had artistic talent. Me.. not so much. I had fun trying though :) We stayed in our pj's all day!

Watercolors

Nana sketching

Isaac trying his hand at it

Carter's little modern painting

Audra's sea turtles.. isn't this good!

Audra starting her picture

Carter painting with Aunt Jane mixing colors

A pizza box always works!

Our artwork: My beach pic (orange=wrong sand color), Mom's seashell, Isaac's pot of gold, and Carter's blob